![]() ![]() I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You see I can't even write this properly. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. I think it’s all about taking it day by day, finding what works for you to help you through this, and doing it.“Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. When my friend wasn’t unwell, they loved life and lived it to the fullest, I wanted to honour them by trying to recreate this attitude, and in doing so, found comfort, as I felt they were with me in some way. It’s just so very unfortunate that I didn’t know the severity. I finally accepted that my friend was clearly very unwell, and that if I had know the severity, I would have done something more. It has been a really tough road, but I did finally reach a better place and some acceptance regarding the incident. I have experienced every emotion available, including anger, at my friend, at myself, the health system, the list goes on. It’s one of the most devastating things I’ve had to try live through and I still sometimes struggle with feelings of guilt and a tendency to replay our last interaction and think of all the ways I could have changed the outcome. A shock like this makes your body go into crisis mode, you need to take care of sending you lots of love and healing □ I too lost a very good friend this way, and to make things worse, we hadn’t left things on the best of terms on our last interaction. A long walk somewhere green can be a really important way to look after yourself. Our bodies also hold on to grief - exercise (walking, running, swimming, cycling) can help your body to get some of the tension out, help you sleep better etc. Use the Samaritans if you need to talk, or reach out to friends - even if you don't feel close, you might be surprised at the response. You can use this to teach you how to appreciate the world around you and the people in it. Everyone is important, and vulnerable, and precious. ![]() ![]() But I have come to terms with knowing she felt totally hopeless and desperate and that was the only way out that she could see.Ī positive thing you can take from it is seeing how much every person has a network of people around them who are bound up by bonds of love because when someone dies suddenly like this, all those connections are kind of highlighted by pain and you can see how far the ripples spread. It's 8 years since my friend died and I still feel a profound sense of wrongness, injustice and a bit of bitterness about how she died. I suppose the gist is that it's not about waiting for these feelings to go away, but learning to live with them and eventually feeling your life is full again from other sources. ![]() And you can extend your life (the island) in different ways, even if that bit is gone forever. But in time that just becomes the new landscape, flowers grow up over the mud etc. This is a big landslip and the ground under your feet has literally given way and it's terrifying and raw. The most helpful thing someone said to me is to picture your life like an island or landmass poking out of the sea. It is additionally painful because it feels so unnecessary and they feel like they've just slipped through your fingers, as if you could have grasped them if you were a tiny bit quicker. They've deliberately taken an action that made you feel this way. I spent months just howling every chance I got. I've lost a very close friend to suicide and I know how you feel. ![]()
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